I am not big on resolutions, or lists, for that matter. However, I do make lists, in fact I have a notebook, write the date, make a few notes, write phone numbers etc....It acts as a journal as I look back over these notebooks for a number I forgot to transfer to my address book and see a note about a call with a friend. It jars the mind to see what I was doing.
I kept a special notebook for my dad's health advocacy. It turned into three. Who would have thought? Lots and lots of medication information and doctors pager's numbers. I would write about interactions and conversations with doctors, family, mostly to keep records with doctors. Someone needed a phone number of one of the doctors the other day. I went to the notebooks and opened them.
I had no idea what that year would bring. I began those notebooks in October of 2009, and really began daily right after Thanksgiving that year. I had no idea that I would be such a help for my dad. He never needed anyone in his life that I could see with the naked eye. I saw him come to rely on God and His word. I remember the day that I knelt by him while he lay on the couch in his family room, partially delirious from all the pain medication. It had become too much for me to sit by idle and watch. He needed me, he needed the type of person that I am. Would he accept help when he had so many times for five years rejected it?
I knelt by the couch and held his big giant work rough hand. I prayed as he slept and I cried for him and the pain that he endured. He awoke and glazed eyes looked at me, he patted my head and said, "it's all right." I said "No it's not." "please dad, please let me help you, please...." as tears streamed down my face.
"OK." was his reply.
In that simple reply a journey. It was a journey that was at the same time horrid and beautiful. It was the last of his temporal life and began a new beginning to mine. This journey may have impacted me enternally. For four months almost everything I did had intention, had meaning, was prayerful and was thoughtful.
So with that, I have only one resolution
I want only to spend time doing what I can boldly ask God to Bless, and have the same intensity of intention whether it be folding my never ending laundry, as holding my dear father's hand as he took his last breaths.
Please Father God, thank you for the life that you have given me, and I ask that You use me as You will. I will be greatful to be your servant in the awful and in the happy until either you call me home, or return for me.
Amen
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